Do you feel lucky? Hmm? Do you?

You've got to ask yourself one question:

'Do I feel LUCKY?'

Well, do ya, punk?



Fast Food

     Ever wonder why it is that everyone converges on the luggage carousel at the airport? It's as if they think they will only get one opportunity to capture their bag before it passes on to parts unknown, never to return again.

 

 Photographs provided by E. Fink

     The mystery is solved! It turns out, there really IS a crisis! Just behind the wall of the baggage claim resides a foul creature who devours Louis Vuitton and Samsonite with equal ferocity. This creature- the 'Lock Ness' of airports if you will- has been spotted and photographic evidence of this phenomenon has finally been revealed:

 

*****************************SPECIAL REPORT*****************************

This just in: The monster has moved on to the signage:

Reportedly, Snarky is now feeling a bit squeamish. A physician at the scene of the crime had diagnosed her with "C-sickness."

Recipe For Disaster

A three course meal to be followed by Hiroshima Hash and Nagasaki Nachos. Mmmm delicious!

Ka-POP!

We were trying to determine which was more disturbing:
The Fish-Ka-Pop- labeled "When whimsy meets disturbing," by Heather-

Or

The Butt-Ka-Pop:

The Butt-Ka-Pop won by a small margin by utilizing a never seen before technique- The Blow Fish Maneuver- this feat was accomplished by locking lips with her boyfriend (we hope), whereupon they both puffed up their cheeks and blew into each other's faces. Truly Yuck-worthy-and so-

WE HAVE A WINNER!



Badminton: You're Doing It Wrong!

Best New Product, Indeed

The Snuggy Revisited- check out this awesome new product- "The Bedbug Cocoon."

This new product, intended for travelers who spend lots of time in various hotel rooms, is marketed as a preventative measure for bedbugs. Because apparently bedbugs haven't figured out how to crawl into the facial opening... For best use, leave all your belongings in the car and spray your face with pesticide.

Marketing, it's not just for brainiacs anymore...

     The toy manufacturer's marketing department finally decided that having the straw come out of your favorite character's head was just too traumatic.

Now isn't that much better!



The Stoop Fairy Presents

Really? THIS is the advertisement you were convinced would evoke confidence in your capability?

Zombie Apocalypse

    Having come to the conclusion during one of our late night discussions that any apocalypse other than a Zombie Apocalypse would just be disappointing; we also came to a startling realization. Up 'til now all zombies have been fairly stereotypical. For example:

The ever popular farmer zombie- complete with pitchfork, naturally.

The inbred zombie- with his overalls falling off because even in life he was too stupid to work a clasp.

The sexy teenage prom queen zombie- cheer leader, stripper, it's all the same; rotting flesh on every ounce of the corpse except, of course, for the double D's.

The clown zombie- because clowns apparently aren't scary enough on their own.

The occasional cafeteria lady zombie- recognizable by the hair net and Monday's meatloaf plastered to her apron. Or maybe that's just brains?

And finally, the uniformed zombie- virtually anyone in a uniform as it helps to identify them, what with all that skin falling off it's hard to tell otherwise.

Having stumbled upon this discovery, we have compiled a list of zombies that might make us come down off the roof for a closer look:

 The mime zombie- he's gonna eat your brains just as soon as he gets out of that damned box.

The marching band zombie- preferably from the percussion section, crashing his cymbals every shamble of the way, because he can't figure out how to get them off his hands.

The couch potato zombie- lacking both the physical strength as well as the manual dexterity to put the foot rest down, he is trapped in the recliner and forced to watch old re-runs on late night TV on into infinity. Which brings me to…

 The 'Shamwow' guy zombie (who also sold the 'Slapchop') who has just partaken of the especially yummy brains of the 'HeadOn' guys (who doesn't want to see these guys dead?)-  Slapchop, apply directly to the forehead, 'cause I can't keep eatin' your brains all day.

 The Celine Dion zombie- shuffling down the street, her bony fist beating her concave chest, moaning, "Neeeeaaaaar, faaaar, wherever you aaaaare." Sorry, Celine, your heart did NOT go on.

The nun zombie- ruler in hand, her habit all askew, and her cross ironically pristine.

The Charlie Sheen zombie- sorry Charlie, you're not winning anymore.

And last, but certainly never least, the Snarky zombie- Snaaarrrrk! I mean braaaiiinnns!

The Hair of the Dog That Bit You

 If the only cure for a hangover is the hair of the dog that bit you; well, let me just say, we're in BIG trouble!!

Lowered expectations

Dear ladies, when your white horse looks like this:



it's probably time to stop fantasizing about that prince charming.

Save A Life: REPOST! / Cancer and the Cancer that Plagues Cancer

     The most recent thing to come under our Snark-dar (Snark radar for those of you who lack the linguistic skills to speak Snarkese- I think there's a Rosetta Stone coming out soon for that btw), have been the copious cause related posts on FB. These bulletins are alarming. Well, no, that's not the word... Eye-opening. Uh-uh, nope. Boring? A little, but still not it. Redundant? Getting closer. Ineffectual, useless, worthless, a GREAT big waste of your time and mine? THAT'S IT!!
     You know what we're talking about. Those 'Re-post if you support "fill in the cause." ' Or, the 'Post if you support this particular political agenda.' Or, (our absolute favorite), 'Re-post if you believe in "fill in the deity." ' Because, if you don't re-post, God will know you don't love Him, because God watches ALL things. Even FB. His account is Iam DaFada. I believe He has an additional, Son N. DeHolyghost.... (Is it getting warmer in here, or is it just me?)
     One of the more recent to join the tribe of post spam ('cause let's be real folks- THAT'S what it IS), has been the: 'Re-post if you have a sister, brother, mother, father, grandmother, grandfather, aunt, uncle, neighbor, co-worker, friend of a friend, acquaintance, or sister's mother's father's bishop, who has died from or been affected by cancer.' YOUR post COULD save a life!! And remember, the life you save could be your OWN!!
     Apparently, somewhere on FB, cancer lurks. It goes by the name of Mal Ignant. When you read his profile it says: Chain smoker for fifty plus years, works at Asbestos R Us, and loves to hang out in small, dark spaces. He is available and looking for anyone to love. (Cue in Queen: Find me somebody to lo-ove, find me somebody to lo-ove....) His favorite song is Cancer, by My Chemical Romance, (he's sooo narcissistic, he loves anything about him- he's so vain, he prob'ly thinks this blog is about him...), and his favorite album is No Cure For Cancer, by Denis Leary.
     He is constantly patrolling FB. He is watching all those posts and re-posts. Because each one takes just a little more power away from him. Forget cancer walks, forget donations, forget scientific research. The battle is on FB. It is an epic battle on a not-so-epic battlefield. And he is winning folks. Because you have FAILED to re-post.

　
　

Welcome to the Business of Non-serious Business / Snarkasm Rules

     Okay, here's the deal: We don't KNOW how to do serious. So, if you are coming here for some serious business, you have come to the wrong place. This is not the place for intelligent discussions, mature observations of the world, or politically correct debates. Rather, you have entered the Snark Zone. Here, irony rules and there are no boundaries. We will Snark about everything. Whether you like it or not.
     So let us get down to the super serious non-serious business of formal introductions to our informal Snarkastic shenanigans.
     First, let us meet Heather Voltz. Heather is the sardonic one. Having Wikipedia'ed sardonic, I have come up with this: Among the very ancient people of Sardinia, who were called Sardi or Sardoni, it was customary to kill old people. While killing their old people, the Sardi laughed loudly. This is the origin of notorious sardonic laughter. In short, I should be afraid. Very, very, VERY afraid....
     Then there is me, Tammy Ingham. I am the sarcastic one. Sarcasm is "a sharp, bitter, or cutting expression or remark; a bitter jibe or taunt, usually conveyed through irony or understatement. Most authorities distinguish sarcasm from irony; however, others argue that sarcasm may or often does involve irony. Thank you, Wikipedia.
     I do so love irony. Even Wikipedia says so. As Heather will tell you, "Irony is delicious. Especially with ketchup and pickles." I prefer mine with a little mustard.
     Lastly, our mascot, Snarky (TM'ed thank you very much), the loveable orange, Snark-wand toting dinosaur, is the cutest of the three of us. Be warned, she is not particularly politically correct, her Snarkasm knows no bounds, and she is likely to step on someone's toes with her size 22 1/2 clodhoppers.
     Heather would very much like to make her into a plushy toy...

Snarky The Snarkmonster

This is not a real post.

This is a post placeholder that in all honesty will probably be deleted after one of us gets off our ass and posts a real post. For though I may be a hooligan, I try not to be all internet vandal...ly? Yeah, that. I just hate seeing the super sexy Snark blog look all naked, so yeah. Plus I wanted to try out my spiffy contributor powers. :) Powers my cohort may come to regret.